


Olivia's Secret

by Barson4EverIsReal



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Barson, F/M, Inspired by Law & Order: SVU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-11-01
Packaged: 2020-12-28 18:21:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21141131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Barson4EverIsReal/pseuds/Barson4EverIsReal
Summary: It's September, 2019. Rafael has been gone for almost 20 months. A lot has changed in that time...for Rafael and for Olivia.When Rafael comes back to find Olivia, he soon realizes he left behind more than he ever knew.





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Olivia Benson had an exhausting week. Between working yet another case of a celebrity being accused of sexual assault, getting no sleep because of a sick child and it being her first full week as a newly appointed Captain in the NYPD, Liv was never happier to be home with the entire weekend off. And to put the cherry on top of a very grueling day, Liv had felt all week as if she was being followed. On more than one occasion for the last couple of weeks, Liv kept getting the sensation she was being watched. Oddly enough, this seemed to always happen in the morning at school drop off. Olivia eventually just shook it off as the mind tricks of an overly tired working mother.

10 pm, Friday night and the Benson apartment was finally quiet. Olivia was finishing up some paperwork so she could have the weekend as work free as possible when her phone rang. 

She rolled her eyes and dropped her head back in frustration thinking it was another work issue. The number was unfamiliar to her as she answered it, “Benson.” There was silence on the other end. “Hello?” Still quiet. This had been happening more and more recently. The same New York number would call with silence on the other end. Normally Olivia would have the number traced but not tonight. Chalk it up to fatigue or just being lackadaisical, Liv finished her work and went to bed. 

After a semi-relaxing weekend, Olivia decided Monday morning that she would do the school drop off on her way to the precinct. September in New York had begun warmer than usual but today they had a bit of a cold snap. Fall was on it’s way to New York City. As she stepped out the front door of the school and wrapped her coat around her, she was not paying attention to her surroundings. Her mind was not in the present. Her mind was where it usually was whenever she did the morning drop off. Her mind was still in front of that courthouse; February 7, 2018…the last day she saw him and the day her life changed. She had been so on edge lately between the mysterious phone calls, the feeling of being followed and just a general sentiment of uneasiness. She didn’t know why but something…something was different. She stopped in front of the school, closed her eyes and took a deep breath to try and clear her head of the mental cobwebs. Within just a few seconds she felt someone touch her arm. She instinctively jumped and jerked her arm back. With her guard up and her adrenaline pumping, she opened her eyes ready to defend herself if need be. What she saw…who she saw, took her breath away. She thought for a moment she was dreaming. She purposely closed her eyes thinking her mind was playing tricks on her. When she opened her eyes her breath caught as she spoke, “Oh my God…Rafa?”

**************

“Liv! I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you.” He looked at the beautiful woman he’d walked away from nearly 20 months ago. They stood quiet for a few seconds, each taking in the site of the other until Olivia broke the silence, trying to keep things as non personal as possible, to the point she sounded cold. 

“How have you been, Barba?” 

Rafael was taken back, “Barba? Wow!” He was a little surprised by the wall she was trying to put between them but Rafael understood it. He contemplated his next words and chose them carefully. He cared for her but he didn’t want to push. He knew she’d be angry at him. Hell, Rafael was angry at himself for what he’d done to her and how he had hurt her by walking away. 

“Olivia, I know you angry and you have every right to be after…after the way I left.”

“You’re damn right I do. You walked away from me… from ….” Olivia stopped and caught her breath before continuing. “I didn’t know where you’d gone or how to find you.” She looked into Rafael’s green eyes as tears formed in her own. “You shut me out, Rafa. I thought…That day in front of the courthouse…I thought we meant more to each other after…” She hesitated. “I waited for you to tell me you loved me and you just walked away.”

Rafael took her hand, “I know and you’re right. I should have told you how I felt…how I feel, but I couldn’t Liv. I was so mixed up in my own head. I knew in my heart what I had done, it was for the right reasons. Then the threat of going to prison. The fear of you possibly having to see me in prison. I couldn’t have dealt with that. I didn’t know what I wanted or where I’d end up. I just needed to get away, at least for a while and clear my head. I needed a fresh start. Can you understand that?” 

Olivia shook her head. “I know the hell you went through Rafa, because I walked through that same hell with you.” Her voice began to crack, “I did it because I loved you.” She looked away and whispered, “I’ll always love you.”

Seeing Olivia in this much pain was killing Rafael. He looked at Olivia with as much love and as much hurt in his heart as he had the day he’d walked away from her. He started to caress her hair, not knowing if she would welcome the contact or pull away. Rafa reached with his right hand and gently touched her hair, allowing his finger to stroke her check as she looked back up at him. Olivia closed her eyes, welcoming the contact. His hands were warm, gentle…just as they’d always been. 

With tears streaming down her face, Olivia reached up and took his hand. “Rafael, please I can’t do this here.” Rafael treasured that she took his hand. He never forgot the feeling of her hand in his. He didn’t want to let go…and neither did Olivia. 

“Liv, can we meet later? You name the place.”

Olivia inhaled deeply, trying to remember to exhale. She couldn’t believe what she was about to say. 

“Can you come to my apartment? Say 9pm? Everything should be quiet by then and we can talk.” She hesitated for a beat. “We have a lot to talk about, Rafa.”

Rafael, still holding her hand, brought it slowly to his lips and gently kissed her palm, just as she was accustomed to him doing. The familiarity of his touch was always comforting to Olivia.

“9pm. I’ll be there. I promise you Liv.” 

****************

Later that evening, Olivia nervously paced her apartment, making sure everything was just right. Apartment picked up? Check. His favorite scotch? Check. 

Waiting for Rafael to arrive, a mixture of emotions surged through her body as she tried to calm herself. She didn’t say anything to Noah about seeing Uncle Rafa or about him coming by to talk to his mommy. No…tonight it was about her and Rafa. There were some things that needed to be said. Confessions that needed to be made and secrets…one very important secret that Rafael needed to know. Olivia always wondered what this conversation would be like if she ever got the chance. What would he say? What would his reaction be? Would he be angry? Would he walk away from her one final time? She was about to find out.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

At 9pm sharp there was a knock at Olivia’s door. She looked through the peep hole and took one final breath as she opened the door. 

Olivia gave a reserved smile at the man standing at her door. “Hi Rafa.” 

“Hi Liv”. Rafael was again struck by her beauty. “You look stunning…but then you always do.” There was something extra lovely about her on this night. She seemed to have a glow.

Olivia blushed at his comment, “Thank you for coming, I really appreciate it.” There was a moment of awkward silence before Rafa spoke up. Cutting his eyes to the side and with a slight grin he asked her, “You gonna invite me in?”

Olivia covered her face in embarrassment. “Oh, I’m sorry. Of course, come in, please.” She let in Rafael and followed him into the living area. Rafael felt as if he were home again and proceeded to take off his coat. He draped it on the side chair and took a seat on the sofa. 

Olivia crossed to the kitchen, “I still have your favorite scotch. On the rocks?” 

“Yes, please. I could sure use one”, he responded. 

Olivia poured his drink and kept cutting her eyes toward him. She was breathing heavy with anticipation of what this night would bring. She still could not believe he was back, and that he was here. 

Rafael took the scotch from Olivia as she was cradling a glass of wine. The nervous tension between them was evident. They both sat on the sofa, each unsure of where to begin…or how to begin. 

Rafael began guardedly, “So, Olivia, how have you been? I hear you got another promotion, Captain.” 

Liv shook her head and let out a sign, “Yeah, I did. Compliments of Chief Dodds.” She looked at Rafa, wanting so badly to tell him all that had happened since he’d been gone. She had to tell him. She needed to tell him and he needed to know. But somehow she just couldn’t get the words out. 

Rafael cautiously continued while nursing his scotch, “I came back to New York, I guess a couple of weeks ago. I’ve called you several times since I’ve been back but every time I’d hear your voice I couldn’t speak. I was afraid. I wasn’t sure if you wanted to ever hear from me again.”

“Wait. You were the one who kept calling me?” Olivia touched his forearm, “Rafa why didn’t you ever say anything?”

Rafael shrugged, “I guess I was fearful of what you’d say to me…or that you wouldn’t say anything at all. I know I hurt you. I know you, Liv and I know you were angry and disappointed in me.”

Olivia took a sip of her wine and replied, “I was disenchanted.” They both smiled and each gave off a small chuckle, remembering that moment in her office a couple of years before. The tension between them seemed to dissipate some and they both started to relax. 

Rafael sat his drink down on the coffee table in front of them and took her hand, “Olivia, I am sorry…for all of it. For all of the pain I’ve caused you, for the way I left, for not keeping in contact with you. I know…where we were before all of that. Nothing has changed for me, Liv.” 

He searched her eyes for a sign, any kind of sign before continuing. “Olivia, the day I walked away from you, that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I loved you so much and I knew I was risking it all...everything we had become, what we meant to each other.” He looked down at her hand and gently stroked her fingers softly with his thumb as he continued, “I love you more now than the day I left, because I understand what I lost.” 

He looked into her beautiful brown eyes that had an ever so small speck on the iris. “I know the value of what I walked away from and I’m sorry…for hurting you, for leaving you. Olivia I am so sorry.”

Olivia reached up and gently touched his face. As she ran her hand down his cheek she was emotional at the words Rafael had expressed. She spoke with a crack in her voice, “Rafa, I love you. I’ve loved you for so long. I was never angry at you for leaving, I was hurt. You broke my heart Rafa. When I watched you walk away from me, it felt… as if my soul was ripped from my being. I was so empty and so alone. If it hadn’t been for Noah, I don’t know if I would have survived.”

Rafael hated that his best friend, his soulmate, and the woman he loved more than any other had suffered like this…all at this hands. “Tell me what I can do to make this up to you Liv. I love you, so much; más que todas las estrellas en el cielo and I want to make this right. Please let me make this right.”

Olivia broke down, “I need a promise from you. Promise me you’ll never leave us again, because I can’t do this alone. I can’t do this by myself. I don’t want to have to ra….” She stopped herself before she said too much. She had to be sure. “We need you Rafa.”

“Liv…Liv I swear to you I’m here. As long as you need me I’m here and I will never leave you again. Te lo prometo, Olivia. Lo prometo.” 

Olivia wrapped her arms around Rafael. As he held Olivia, she began to melt into his arms. This was where she belonged. The feeling of gentleness combined with strength and protection was something he was always able to give to her. She always felt safe with him. 

Rafael was finally back and Olivia finally felt as if she was home.

********

After several minutes of feeling sheltered in his arms, Rafael and Olivia broke their grasps on each other. Olivia cupped his face and gently pecked a soft kiss on Rafael’s lips. Olivia looked as if she wanted to say something but she hesitated.  
“Liv? What’s wrong?”

She stood up, caressing his face as she did. She walked across the room to the TV and retrieved a framed photo. She looked at the photo and took a deep breath. Rafael wouldn’t leave her again, she was sure of it.

“Rafa, we need to talk about something. There’s something you need to know.”

She walked back over to him and showed him the photo. “This photo was taken last month in Central Park.” She smiled as she continued, “They had such a good time with each other.”

Rafael took the photo, looked at it and smiled. “Oh, Noah sure has grown. He’s gotten so tall.” He looked at the person in the photo with Noah. “Oh is that, ah…Rollins’ daughter? I talked to Carisi today and he said that she’d had a second daughter. She sure is beautiful. How did someone as blonde as Rollins have a baby with such dark features?”

Olivia felt the blood drain from her head at Rafael’s comment. She let out a haggard breath. Olivia knew this day would come eventually. She told herself it was now or never. Liv sat down on the sofa next to him, “Rafa that’s not Amanda’s daughter, with Noah….” Olivia took the framed photo and looked at it. She continued, avoiding eye contact, “That’s my daughter.” 

Rafael looked at her, confused. “Wha…your…daughter?”

Her eyes moved to meet his. A mix of emotions overcame her. All of the emotions that she had suppressed for nearly 20 months were now coming to the surface. She nodded her head and began to sob as she answered, “Rafa. She’s my daughter…she’s our daughter.” 

This was a complete surprise to Rafael. She continued, “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. That’s what I wanted to tell you this morning…”

Rafael stopped her, clearly in shock at the news. “How old?”

Olivia was confused, “What?”

“How old is she?! How old is mi… mi hija?” 

Olivia gently took his hand, “Nuestra hija acaba de celebrar un cumpleaños. Catalina es uno.”

Rafa’s eyes filled with tears, “Catalina? Mi hija, Catalina.” He looked at Olivia, “You named her after mi abuelita?”

Olivia, still holding his hand continued, “Nuestra hija, Catalina Amada. It means pure love because that’s what she is and that’s what she’s brought to our lives. Rafa, look, I’m not asking you for anything and I’m in no way trying to trick you or trap you but…when I found out I was pregnant you had already gone. I was so scared and I didn’t know if I wanted to, or if I could do this by myself. I’m not going to lie, Rafa, I thought about my options and… I just…I couldn’t do it…I couldn’t. I had to have her. She was ours. She is part of you and it was the only part of you I had left. I didn’t know where you were or if you were ever coming back. And, she was my single connection with you! I had to have her, Rafa.”

Rafael was fighting back his own tears while wiping away Olivia’s as he tried to comfort her. “I know…Liv…hey, hey…shhh. It’s ok.” 

He hesitated for a moment, “It happened Christmas eve, right? That was the night we made our daughter?”

Olivia nodded. “The best Christmas gift I ever received.” In a near whisper Rafael asked, “Can I see her? I want to see mi hija, please?”

Olivia smiled and took his hand. She led him into her bedroom. Tucked away in a delicately decorated corner was a white crib covered in pink damask. Olivia looked at Rafa and put a single index finger to her lips, “Shhhh. She just started sleeping through the night.”

Rafa, still holding Olivia’s hand, looked down in the crib at a tiny, sleeping, fragile little person. “My daughter. Nuestra hija es muy hermosa. Catalina es hermosa como su madre.”

They both stood in silence for several minutes, looking at their beautiful daughter, then at each other. 

Rafael whispered to Olivia, “Thank you Liv.”

She looked at him, muddled. “For?”

“Thank you for having our daughter.”

The emotions in the room were palpable as they stared in each other’s eyes. 

Without thinking, Olivia asked, “Rafa, can you…will you stay the night?” 

Rafael brushed Olivia’s hair out of her face and whispered, “There is no where else on this Earth I’d rather be then with my daughter and…” He hesitated as he looked at her exquisite face. 

Olivia looked back at him, her mind hearkening back to that cold February day in front of the courthouse and she repeated, “And…???”

Rafael smiled before answering, “…and with the woman I love.”


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

As the weeks and months went by, Rafael was becoming acquainted with his daughter and re-acquainted with her mother. There had been a few bumpy spots along the way but it was nothing Olivia and Rafael couldn’t work through. After all, each had to deal with much worse, both separately and as a couple. Parenthood was a new journey for Rafael and he loved every second of it, both the pretty and the ugly parts. Rafael and Olivia decided quickly upon his return that they wanted to be together…as a couple again, and not just because of Catalina. They were madly in love with each other and both agreed that too much time had been wasted. They didn’t want to wait. They didn’t want to be apart any longer. They decided the easiest thing to do for the time being was for Rafael to move into Olivia’s apartment. A bigger place to live could wait…at least for now. Each of them longed for what neither had growing up...a cohesive family with a mother and father who loved each other. They wanted to give that to Catalina, to Noah, and truth be told, to themselves. 

Since Rafael was still a member of the New York Bar in good standing, he was offered a new job as a consulting attorney for Bayard Ellis’ Innocence Project. Bayard had always wanted someone like Rafael to consult with his organization. Having a former ADA would be an invaluable tool to Bayard, but having him on fulltime was a win-win for both parties. Bayard had Rafael’s expertise and Rafael had a full time job. He hated being away from Catalina during the day since he was just getting to really know her, but he knew she was safe at her school. Olivia would make sure of that. Besides, he was a father now and he was going to provide for his family. 

Rafael and Olivia made certain they spent evenings at home with Catalina and Noah. He cherished the time he was getting to bond with his daughter and also getting to know Noah in a different capacity other than ‘Uncle Rafa’. Most nights, after the kids were in bed, Olivia and Rafael spent a good part of their time together talking…catching up on old times and telling stories of events during the time they’d been apart. Just being together was something each of them had missed. It was great to simply talk and be able to reconnect again. There was one issue that Olivia had never talked about. As they sat together on the sofa enjoying a glass of wine and each other’s company, Rafael breached the subject for the first time. 

“You know, Liv I was watching Catalina sleeping earlier and I couldn’t help but wonder, how long…how long after I left did you find out you were expecting her?” 

Olivia looked at Rafael, wondering where this was coming from as he continued, “ Sometimes I wonder…if I hadn’t left when I did…”

Olivia interrupted him, “No! Rafa, please don’t think like that. I don’t blame you. Having Catalina was my decision.” She took his hand. “Catalina is an absolute gift and there is nothing I would have done differently. I mean, at first, it was confusing and those first few days they were…tough.” She wrapped her arms around his waist. Her facial expressions became dark as she thought back to that time almost 2 years before. She began to share the details with Rafael…he needed to know the truth. 

****** Flashback - February 7, 2018 ******

Olivia shivered in the cold across the street from the courthouse. This was the same courthouse where she first met him. She stood in the crisp February air and watched as he moved farther and farther away. One final kiss and Rafael Barba walked out of her life. Olivia breathlessly waited…hoping surely, he would come back…but he never turned around. He was gone. As she made her way back to the precinct, she went directly to her office and shut the door. Next to Noah being snatched by Sheila, this was the most empty and lost Olivia had ever felt. This was the most pain and the most out of control Olivia ever felt. The man she loved was gone. Her best friend was gone and there was nothing she could do to change that. So now what? What was she supposed to do? Olivia had plenty of relationships end in the past but this one, this was different. The sting of this loss was almost too much to bear. Her relationship with Rafael was deeper, truer, and more natural than any she’d ever experienced before. It wasn’t forced or out of some deep desperation on her part. It happened organically. It was allowed to develop from co-workers, to friends, to best friends to…more, much more than most people knew. Olivia sat at her desk, trying to process what had just happened.

After some time there was a small tap on her door. Amanda popped her head in and in a quiet voice, “Liv? Hey, I just heard. Are... are you okay?” Olivia motioned for her to come in. Her squad had long suspected that she and Barba were ‘involved’, but no one realized the deep connection these two had. 

Amanda quietly shut the door and sat in the chair opposite her boss. “Liv is there…anything I can do?”  
Liv shook her head while wiping her tears with a tissue, “No.” she responded in a small whisper.  
Olivia looked at Amanda and confessed, “I didn’t think…. He never gave me any kind of warning…nothing. There were no signs. I was so… blindsided… by all of this. I never thought I’d miss him this much.” 

Amanda and Olivia had become closer in the last year. Being single mothers had somehow bonded the two women outside of work. Amanda reached across the desk and touched her arm, trying to comfort her friend, knowing how badly she was hurting. “Liv, look it you want to take off, Fin can hold things down here. If anything comes up we’ll call. Why don’t you get out of here…take some personal time? You’ve earned it.” 

Olivia let out a sigh, “I just might do that.” She looked up at her friend, “Thank you.”

Amanda look confused, “For what?”

Liv, still teary responded, “For listening.”

Amanda gave a slight smile, “Hey, we’re moms. That’s what we do. Us moms, we have to stick together.” 

Olivia nodded at Amanda in acknowledgment and then got up to leave. As Liv stood up, she was very wobbly on her feet. “Woah. Oh wow…!” Her world started spinning. She put out her hand to try and steady herself. As she slowly sat back down in her chair, she touched her forehead. She had become incredibly lightheaded.

Amanda quickly jumped up, “Hey, hey Liv. Are you okay?” Olivia’s face was suddenly very pale. Amanda chalked it up to the events of the day. “Are sure you’re alright?”

Olivia let out a deep breath. A sudden, strong wave of nausea swept over her. But, Olivia being the leader she is, tried to shake it off. “Yeah. I’m fine. It just…I’ve not slept much lately.”

Amanda instinctively kicked into mom mode, “So, let’s get Carisi or someone else to take you home okay?” 

Olivia protested, “No, I’m fine. It’s just been a really long couple of weeks and…”

Amanda interrupted her, “Look I know you’re my boss but you’re also my friend and…I would just feel better if someone took you home, made sure you’re okay. Liv, even you need help now and then.” She smiled at Olivia, trying to convey her concerned.

Olivia sat for a few minutes until she finally relented, “Okay…Okay. You win Amanda.” 

Carisi walked with Olivia toward the elevators. He would take her home and help get her there safely. As he leaned over to push the elevator button, out of the corner of his eye he saw his boss drop to the floor. Olivia had collapsed.

“Liv? Liv! I need a bus! Officer down! Somebody get a bus, now!” Amanda heard Carisi’s screams and came running to the elevators to see their boss passed out on the floor. Olivia’s complexion was as white as a ghost. Amanda and Carisi tried to talk to Liv, trying to stir her awake but there was no response. 

After what seemed like an eternity, the ambulance finally arrived. With oxygen on and an IV in place, Olivia was on her way to Mercy Hospital. Amanda rode with her friend and to speak to the doctor. Carisi attempted to call Barba to tell him what happened, but he couldn’t reach him. The number would ring but then go straight to voicemail. Barba wouldn’t pick up the call. Once the ambulance arrived at the hospital, the doctors took over and Amanda gave the medical team a short medical history, at least the little that she did know. Around an hour went by when the emergency room doctor came looking for the family of Olivia Benson. The doctor went over with Amanda all the tests that had been run and what the results were. 

Amanda’s mouth dropped at what the doctors told her. “Are you sure? I mean, there’s no mistake…or a…a mix-up?” The doctor looked at Amanda, “I’m assuming from your reaction that this is unexpected and Ms. Benson doesn’t know? Okay well, we can take care of telling her. The most important thing right now is we have a specialist examine her to make sure everything checks out, and we will of course discuss options with her.”

Amanda stopped the doctor, “Can I see her?”

“Sure detective, she’s stable now. Right this way.” And with that the doctor took Amanda to see Olivia. Once they reached Liv’s bedside, Amanda turned to the doctor and whispered, “You know what, let me tell her. It may be easier that way…” The doctor nodded in agreement and left the two women to talk.

As Amanda sat at her bedside, Olivia opened her eyes. At first, she was trying to get her bearings. Once she realized what had happened and where she was, Liv looked at Amanda and tried to lighten the mood with a joke, “I guess maybe I wasn’t okay after all.” Both women smiled. “Did the doctors tell you when I can get out of here? Noah’s going to be worried and….” 

Amanda interrupted her, “I spoke with Lucy and she’s with Noah. He’s fine. She just told him you were working late.” 

“Okay. Good. Thank you, Amanda.” Olivia paused for a moment, “Did the doctors tell you what the hell is wrong with me? I’m guessing lack of sleep and stress? God knows I’ve had my fair share of that lately.”

Amanda let out a breath, “Yeah, Liv that’s ah….that’s not why you fainted.” Olivia looked at Amanda with concern, “What? Did the doctor talk to you?” Olivia began to tear up; unsure of what was coming next. “Amanda what’s….what’s wrong with me?”

Uncertain how to broach the subject, in a hushed voice Amanda finally gave in, “The doctor…he said you’re pregnant.”

“What?!” Olivia sat astonished. “No! That can’t…there’s got to be a mistake.” She tried to absorb what was just said. 

Amanda shook her head, “The doctors said there’s no mistake. They said you’re about 7-10 weeks as best as they can tell.”

The magnitude of the news began to wash over Olivia. She thought for a moment. The wheels in her head began to turn. She whispered, “Oh my God, Christmas Eve.” She looked at Amanda, “Someone needs to find Rafa. He needs to know…..” 

“Carisi is trying to reach him.” Amanda tried to reassure her. “We’ll find him Liv.” Amanda was trying to keep Olivia calm. Sonny had already texted multiple times with the same result… 

NO LUCK. TRIED CALLING 5 TIMES. BARBA WON'T ANSWER.

Amanda looked at her phone and mumbled under her breath, “Shit! Barba, pick up the God damn phone.”

She turned and looked at Olivia who now had tears now running down her face. Olivia knew. “He’s not coming, is he?”

Amanda didn’t want to hurt her friend, “They can’t find him. Liv I’m sorry. Sonny’s tried calling him multiple times and he…Barba won’t pick up his phone. No one knows where he is.”

By this time the doctor had come back to speak with Olivia and to discharge her from the emergency department. Olivia and the doctor had gone through her diagnosis and of course her options. 

“I understand from your friend that this was unexpected. You are fairly early in your pregnancy. Based on your HCG levels we estimate 7-10 weeks although an ultrasound will confirm a more exact gestational age. Since you are this early, Ms. Benson, you do have options. If you do choose to terminate, it’s a much simpler process the earlier you decide. As you wait, the process gets a little more complicated. But you certainly don’t have to decide anything today.”

Olivia interrupted, “And if I want to carry…if I want to have it?”

The doctor nodded, “If you decide to carry to term, my advice is to see an OB/GYN as soon as possible, preferably one that specialized in high risk delivery.”

“High risk? What…why high risk, I don’t understand”, Olivia asked with a shaky voice. “Is there something wrong with the baby?” She reached down and touched her stomach. For the first time she used the word ‘baby’.

The doctor tried to assure her, “Simply because of your age. By all accounts you are otherwise a very healthy woman, but your age does put you at a bit of a higher risk.”

For the next 30 minutes, Olivia grilled the doctor about her options…all of her options. By the time she was discharged from the hospital and made her way home, Olivia was physically and emotionally exhausted. Amanda made sure she got home without a problem. Olivia didn’t really speak on the drive back to her apartment. Thankfully, Noah was already asleep by the time she got there, so she wouldn’t have to explain anything to him, at least not tonight, and at least not until she decided…what she would do. She had asked Lucy to stay the night, just for her own piece of mind. She insisted Lucy take her bed and Liv curled up on the sofa and went to sleep. 

For the next several days, she tried to process everything that had happened and everything she had been told.

The man she loved most in the world; her best friend was gone. He had walked away from her. He didn’t even say ‘I love you’ one last time. And now…now she was pregnant with his baby. What the hell was she going to do? 

She thought a lot about Noah. She loved Noah. She did. Olivia would die for that boy. She would kill for that boy. He is her son. The fact that he was adopted was never an issue and never crossed her mind. The chance to have a biologic child was something she never thought was possible. She’d had pregnancy scares in the past, the last time with Brian Cassidy. All turned out to be false alarms. Olivia figured that something must be wrong with her and she was never meant to have a biological child. She had always been okay with that. But here she is…pregnant, and with Rafael Barba’s child. Except, he was gone, and she would now be left to raise this child alone. Olivia wasn’t sure that was something she could do, or something she wanted to do. She’s been through so much already. How could she do this? Then she thought about something Rafael had said to her just a few months prior when she was on leave after Noah’s kidnapping.

Rafael would often come to her apartment in the evenings during that time, sometimes for a drink, some nights he’d come for dinner with her and Noah, and some night he’d stay longer. It was around this time that things really began to change for them on a personal level. They were both away from the peering eyes of the 16th precinct and the DA’s office. They were in the privacy of Liv’s home. 

About a week before Christmas, Rafael had come over for dinner and after Noah was put to bed, he’d stayed for drinks. As they sat and talked, Olivia expressed that she was worried about Noah. He had been asking to see Sheila. She worried she was doing the wrong thing. As they sat opposite each other on the sofa, Rafael instinctively reach for her hand and told her, “Hey, no. Don’t talk like that. You are doing what’s best for Noah and in your heart you know that. You are only trying to protect him. That little boy is very lucky to have you as his mother and with everything you’ve been through and everything you’ve already overcome, you will overcome this.” He took a chance by taking her hand and caressing his fingers to hers. Then, looking in her beautiful brown eyes, he said something for the first time. It was something he never thought he would ever say, “I love you Liv and I am so proud of everything you’ve accomplished. I have absolute faith that you can do anything you set your mind to. You are so much stronger than you even realize. ” 

It was the first time he’d said those three words to her, and she never forgot that moment. She never forgot the feeling that it gave her. But he also believed in her, he trusted her. He believed she could do anything. Rafael Barba had always given Olivia the strength and belief in herself when she was at her lowest point. And now, even though he was gone, this was her chance to give something to him. Just because he was gone, didn’t mean she didn’t still love him. She wanted this baby so desperately. Not just because she had always wanted a biological child of her own, but this child was part of Rafael and it was the only part of him she had left. The thought of terminating the life that was growing inside of her…a life that was half of the man she loved had become something inconceivable to her. He believed in her when she had lost all hope. It’s something he’d always done from the first day they met. 

She made up her mind. She could do this, for her, for their baby and for Rafael...she couldn’t let him down.

*********** 

Rafael listened intently as Olivia went back to that time in the past, “Liv, are you telling me that you had our daughter because of me?”

Olivia smiled at him, “Since the first day we met, you have been there for me and you have given me so much more than you will ever understand and more than I could ever explain. You gave me friendship, understanding, support and yes…eventually love like I’ve never experienced before. But most important of all, you gave me a daughter. I couldn’t throw all that away…I wouldn’t. My entire life, I’ve always taken care of everyone else: my mother, my partners, my boyfriends, and my squad. But no one had ever taken care of me…until you. Rafa, I knew in my heart you’d come back one day and I knew our daughter would know what I know…what an absolutely great man her father is, what a big heart he has and even though Catalina was not planned, how very much he loves su pequeña niña.” 

Rafael became emotional as he listened to what Olivia was saying. He smiled and added, “You forgot one very important piece of that puzzle.”

Olivia asked, “I did?”

“Yes.” Rafael replied, “You forgot the part about how very much I love Catalina’s mother.”


End file.
